Feeling the shame and beginning healing

We all have problems, and we all have struggles. Some struggle with getting to places on time, some struggle with drinking, some with smoking, some with anger and flying off the handle. I struggle with food and anxiety. My body does not hide those struggles well. The moment I walk out the door I am noticed, looked at, pointed at, and have people making comments. Note to the world: fat does not equal deaf or blind-I hear your comments-I see your stares. Now bare with me a moment I promise this is not a feel sorry for me blog post. 

I know I got myself into this mess, and with each day I am finding confidence I will find a solution.

What has been on my mind this week, and is the reason I mentioned the above is shame. Writing about my weight and struggle with obesity this week, has started this process inside of me I didn't expect. I did not realize how much shame I was feeling about my weight, and how much I didn't want to talk about it, claim it, or draw attention to it. When people brought up the subject I would cringe. I felt like I couldn't have an opinion on anything relating to food. When I was on a diet, losing weight, and managing to white knuckle it for awhile, I would talk about weight till I was blue in the face. My family and friends have seen me lose 100's of pounds. They have celebrated with me, and then watched me fall. But oh the lows were low. When I was gaining, I felt myself silencing and detaching more and more from people. I became angry when the topic of weight was brought up and wanted people to just leave me the hell alone.

Last night at work my chair rubbed across a snag in the carpet and the carpet tore further. One of my co-workers pointed it out to me, and the feelings of shame began to kick in. I immediately began thinking it was because I was heavier and had made the chair sag differently. I suddenly felt fat, ugly, and ashamed in myself. I wanted to crawl in a corner all over a chair. 

I am tired of being ashamed of myself, and feeling like I don't have a voice or right to use it. Fat does not equal stupid. I spend a great deal of time researching and exploring issues relating to obesity, anxiety, and other issues. I am not broken or not functioning. I have a job, a marriage, a life. I am not just my size, but it is a part of me. I don't want to talk about it all the time, but I do want to talk about it. I am so excited about this journey I am on, and I hope I can help other people out there feel better about themselves no matter what their struggles are.

Is obesity a disease?

http://gma.yahoo.com/video/ama-declares-obesity-disease-125013059.html

I thought this video was very interesting. The video shared an interview on Good Morning America about whether or not obesity was a disease. I think a great point was made in regards to this issue in the sense that it really doesn't matter how you label obesity. Is it a disease, an addiction, or something else? I think the more important question like was mentioned on the interview is what to do about it?

The sad part or disappointing part of this interview for me was that when he started talking about the solution he only mentioned diet and exercise. A lot of diet books and weight loss programs are all about reducing intake and increasing exercise. I totally agree that is an important part. For some people that really is the only part. Some people are able to change the way they are preparing food, make some food habit changes, and add in exercise and be able to get to a healthy weight. Now I by no means intend on over simplifying their weight loss and making it seem like it is easy. Any weight loss takes determination, prioritization, and hard work.

What bothers me is that there is no mention of looking at other factors such as depression, anxiety, boredom, grief, anger, unresolved issues, habits, or other factors.  I just think our society needs to broaden their perspective on obesity and look from many different perspectives instead of just from a medical perspective.

I think obesity is like anything else. There are a lot of stereotypes associated with obesity such as these individuals are lazy or they don't take care of themselves. I think until we focus on each individual and their specific issues relating to food and overall body image, we are not going to see obesity rates go down.

Taking care of myself!

I sometimes look at the world and I am amazed at all people can accomplish. I am amazed at mothers who manage to work a full time job, shuffle the kids from place to place, keep themselves looking immaculate, keep their house clean and still manage to get dinner on the table. I am in aww of all the people that wake up at 5:00 am to exercise, start a business from scratch, and live on energy drinks and 2-3 hours of sleep at night.

I think it is hard sometimes because there is such a fine balance between pushing yourself to be better, to go further, and do more; and honoring and taking care of yourself. The reality is this, I don't have the same energy level that others have. This is the case no matter what your size is. We are all different. 

Today I slept in till 10:45. I woke up frantic because I overslept, and didn't get more accomplished. But sitting here now, I feel so good. I feel better than I have felt in a long time. Today reminds me to honor my body and my body's needs. Each day I try to push myself a little further. I know in time I will have more energy. But for now, I just have to remind myself that the more I take care of myself, the more I will want to stay in the race. And isn't that the point of life-to stay in the race?

Sharing my truth!

I couldn't sleep last night. I was so excited and filled with ideas about my blog. I have known for a while that I wanted to start writing more, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about. I couldn't seem to find my passion or niche. A former co-worker of mine and friend was talking about the direction he was going with his blog, and the impact it has already had on him and the people reading his blog.  I got to thinking about my truth and my story.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Leslie. I am 34 years old, happily married, and doing okay for myself. I have a good job though not where I ultimately want to be. I spent over six years working in the mental health field as a mental health therapist. I also spent six years stressed out, constantly working, and never really being able to fully enjoy life, so I made a decision to get out of counseling.  It wasn't an easy decision, and I have felt like I lost a little bit of my identity.  

For the most part I am very happy with my life. I was so blessed over 5 years ago to meet my husband Josh. He is a wonderful man and we have been married for almost three years now. We are getting ready to buy a house, and we are so ready to start a family! 

Truth be told, however, I am nervous about trying to have a baby.  

I am morbidly obese. In order to be anywhere near a so called " normal weight", I would need to lose over 300 lbs. I worry about starting trying to get pregnant, having a healthy delivery, and raising kids at my size. I worry about a lot of things at my size such as chairs at eating places or anywhere for that matter, pools, walking up stairs, going clothes shopping and so much more. 

I want to make this clear. I take full responsibility for my weight. I got myself here. I don't need that pointed out, but I also refuse to just lay down and quit. I am working on losing weight, and getting healthier. In the meantime, however, I am determined to enjoy my life at the size I am, and sometimes it is not easy. 

So I have decided to focus my blog on just that. I plan on sharing my truth, stories, struggles and experiences living my life at the size I am. I hope maybe it will help someone out there to share their truth. I decided to do this because a lot of what I read on the Internet about people my size is simply there struggle to lose weight. What about the rest of their life? I do want to get healthier, but I have to do all of that while working my job, paying my bills, being a wife, and doing other things. 

I am very excited about this journey.....talk at ya soon.

Keeping Up With My Facebook Friends

I have a little bit of a bittersweet relationship with Facebook.  I love being able to connect with so many people, and read about their lives.  On the other hand, sometimes I find it hard not to compare yourself to everybody.  Most of us only post the good things, the projects that work out, the meals that aren’t burnt, and the things we accomplish.  You don’t see as much the starts and stops, the really bad days, the things that don’t work out.  I say this not in any way as a negative, but I just have to work to remind myself that the only person I need to compare myself to is myself. 

Sometimes I start my day out already overwhelmed.  In my mind I feel I should have already ran a marathon, cleaned the kitchen, decorated the apartment, paid off debt, and then make a four course healthy meal, and these are my thoughts before I even get out of bed.   So many times I have stopped myself from even starting something because of fear of not being able to do what I think I should do. 

So today I celebrate my small accomplishments, the weight I have lost, the tater tots I ordered and didn’t eat because I was full, the blog I am writing, the swimsuit I will finally wear without a cover-up, and my willingness to never give up.  

The need to know

It has been a little bit since my last post.  I struggle with the idea that I shouldn't really blog and share my life until after I reach my goals.  But isn't that the very thought that keeps so many of us from ever accomplishing what we want.  It is that idea in our heads that says we have to be perfect, we have to achieve 100% or it doesn't matter, and all of the other thoughts that fall into that all or nothing thinking. 

I worry about my grammar, the way I say things, and so many other things about what people will think or will not think about me.  But as I am getting closer to 35, I realize that life is not standing still.  10 years from now will I look back and think about all of the things that I could have tried, could have said, and could have done or will I be able to be proud of everything including the not so perfect moments.

I really do enjoy sharing my story through this blog, and so I have recommited myself to atleast blogging twice a week.  Since my last post I am continuing to work on my goals.  I have been losing weight, and am very proud to say I have signed up for my first 5k walk.  Josh and I working with a loan officer about getting a house and we are looking at buying in October.  We are also working on ideas for our business, and making plans for to be able to have our dream of starting a family and being able to both stay at home with our kids and run an at home business.

This week despite all of my successes, has been mentally challenging.  I look at all of the things we want to get accomplished and I start to freak out.  I wonder if we will succeed and will I be able to reach my goals.  But I guess the feeling that is stronger than the fear, is the feeling that I need to know.  I need to know what would happen if I gave my all, if I pushed myself to walk a 5k, if I attempted to buy a house, and if I pushed myself to take some chances regarding a business. 

So here is to the feeling of needing to know what my life could be like....while I am enjoying the life I love with my husband, friends, and family....It really is a great place to be.  And I am glad that I am getting to share my life with others. 


To be continued......

My big 5 goals to reach before I'm 35!

10 months from today I turn 35!  I don't really mind getting older. I know it is all part of the plan, but what I do mind is that feeling that I haven't accomplished some of the goals I have always wanted to accomplish.  Most people that know me, know that I have struggled my entire life with my weight.  They have watched me lose and gain.  They have seen the excitement as I dropped pants size, bought new cute outfits, and then slowly gained the weight back. For awhile now I have tried not to talk too much about my weight. I have tried not to share the pound by pound loss because of fear of gaining it back.

This week has been a touch week for me. After losing about 35 pounds last year, I have found myself slipping.  Work has been extremely frustrating, and I don't feel any closer to having the career that I want.  We have had some financial setbacks that have caused us to have to use our emergency money, and our living space seems chaotic and unorganized.  By the middle of last week, I felt totally deflated and uncertain of everything. But the one thing I will say is that I always seem to be surrounded by the most encouraging and loving people. My husband is amazing, and I have some other really special friendships with people that believe in me and all the possibilities.

People say that when you are trying to figure out what you want to do in your career, you should ask yourself what would you do if money was no object.  I would spend my days talking to people about there goals.  I love trying to help people reach their dreams.  I enjoy trying to figure out ways to fund people's dreams, find time to work on their dreams, and keep motivated.  I have wanted to be a life coach/motivational speaker since I was in college, but I think deep in my heart I knew that I wouldn't be successful at that if I couldn't motivate myself.  How could push others to go beyond their comfort levels and push themselves, if I couldn't do that for myself.

At work I keep hearing at our team meetings to keep our feet on the accelerator.  I am ready to do that in my own life.  I have set five very big goals for myself to reach in the next 10 months, and I plan on celebrating my accomplishments at the end of all this with the biggest 35th birthday celebration a girl can have :) I plan on using this blog as a way to document and share my experiences, obstacles, and accomplishments along the way. My five goals are as follows:

I will lose 100 pounds before my 35th birthday.  I plan on focusing on making one change a week.  I weighed this morning and I will not weigh again until the morning of my 35th birthday. I know that it is going to be hard not to weight, but i tend to celebrate my losses too much and start getting comfortable in the weigh loss before i reach my goal.  This week my first change is that I am giving up sweets. I have decided not to eat any sweets for the next 10 months.  I don't plan on giving up sweets forever, but I lose weight easier and have less cravings when I get rid of the sugar.  So the Girl Scout cookies I just purchased will have to find a home in the freezer for a little while :)

My husband and I will be celebrating my 35th birthday in our new home.  We both have wanted a house for awhile, but have continually pushed purchasing a home back because we weren't quite ready to get ourselves in the financial position to purchase a house. So goal number two is that we will purchase a house by my 35th birthday.

Goal number 3 is to organize our lives better.  We will find a cleaning routine and organization style that works for us.  In preparation for buying a house, we plan on going through everything we own and selling what we don't need, donating what we can't sell, and finding an organization system to help keep us less stressed.

I am a little scare to type this goal for some reason, but by my 35th Birthday I want to  no longer be working for somebody else.  I understand now that when I quit my last job, I quit too soon.  I didn't have our financial situation in the position to handle the highs and lows of starting a business. I hadn't built the business up enough either.  I know 10 months is a short time period, but I am determined to make it happen.

I will keep my project life scrapbook on a weekly basis for the next 10 months. I want to document this journey through pictures, and other special things to remember this time by.  As part of this goal, I agree to blog atleast twice a week :)

So there it is, my five big goals I plan on reaching before I turn 35.  Wish me luck!!!