I'm angry!!!!!

When all this hit with the job loss on Monday, I remember thinking "Dammit, I'm sick of this!"  I'm sick of the instability, and all the worry that comes with change like this.  I remember thinking about how much time I had spent in my life upset, anxious, and depressed.  I was just plain sick of it. I told myself that I wasn't going to do that again. I wasn't going to get upset, starting thinking about all the things that could go wrong, or start getting depressed. 

I wish sometimes there was a manual for life.  I would like to know just exactly what a normal response is to situations.  When Hp announced on Monday that it was laying us off, I became tearful.  In the back of my mind I thought, "Why are you crying you hated this job?" But it didn't matter whether or not I liked the job or not. It was a job.  There were times while I was there that I didn't feel secure in the job.  Okay there were a lot of times, but I felt secure in my husbands job. He was and still is doing great there. I just didn't expect both of us to be deaing with this at the same time.

Now in my mind as I type this, I start rationalizing away the emotions that I feel. I start saying there are people that are worse off, everything is going to be okay, and think positive.  But the reality is that despite all of that, I feel like krapt. I want to sleep and be at peace,but instead I feel like throwing up.  And then I start getting angry at myself for feeling this way. 

I guess the reason that I wanted to share all this is because I think a lot of times we hide the emotions we don't want others to see.  I worry so much about what people think about me. I don't want people to see me as weak.  I may cry more than the average person, but I can guarentee you I am not going to quit. I may cry all the way to the finish line, but I am going to make it to the finish line.

So for tonight I just want to shout out that "I'm angry." I'm angry that things end before we are ready for them to end. I'm angry that life is constantly changing.  I'm angry that sometimes even when you give all you have to something, it doesn't work out. I'm angry because I'm sick and tired of being angry...lol...

I'm angry!  And thats okay. Maybe tomorrow I will feel something different. The end

The next chapter begins

Obviously, I have had better weeks.  There is no easy way to be told you no longer have a job, but I would argue there are better ways. On the other hand I will say that I have been impressed with what came after and the resources made available. I am thankful for being given the opportunity to slow down and really evaluate my next move.

I am thankful that despite being upset, I have been open to listening. It is through listening this week that I have learned that I have been approaching my career the wrong way. I have found jobs mostly based on fear of not finding anything. I have learned to say what I think people want to hear to get the job. Today I realized that I need to start with what I want, and proactively seek that out.

A friend of mine this week challenged me to be 100% committed to what I want. The conversation got me thinking, and I realized there were a lot of things I was never 100% committed too. I have always held a little back. I think I was afraid to give 100% and find out it wasn't enough.

I remember a long time ago watching an episode of Oprah where she had a guest that talked about how we are the CEO's of our own life. He challenged us to evaluate how well we were doing. Truth be known I should be fired. I haven't been doing too good of a job. I'm not beating myself up. I'm just being honest.

I believe I have a lot of talents and skills, but I feel like I've been standing on the edge of the pool afraid to jump in the deep end. I love being in the deep end, but it is the process of getting there that scares me. I don't like the feeling of loss of control when you give all you can give and your unable to fully control the outcome.  

So I have challenged my self this week and next week to make my own personal business plan for my life. I want to look at what my mission is, my strengths, my weaknesses, my successes, my failures, and my overall goals for my future. I am excited to start this process and see what the next chapter in my life will bring. 

The game changer!

We had a plan, a good plan! My husband and I had all these plans for the next year and half. We planned on buying a house in October, getting a little pug in December, and hopefully a baby by next summer. We had been working so hard to get out of debt. We both planned on working at our current jobs for at least another 18 months, while we focused on starting our own business that would allow us to work from home. 

But then came the game changer, a curveball out of nowhere. I was told yesterday my position at HP would end in two weeks, and Josh's job would be ending a couple of months after. I think I could have handled it better if it had just been me, but for both of us to be impacted hit me like a ton of bricks.

A year from now I know all will be well. It always is. It is the next few weeks and months ahead that makes me nervous. It is the temporary discomfort and uncertainty that has me feeling nauseas. I laid awake last night feeling like what just happened?

But it did happen. The game has been changed. I can sit on the sidelines and be upset. I can turn away and refuse to play, but the truth remains that the game has been changed. So for today we go to work. I start the process of figuring out what happens regarding benefits and pay. Josh returns to his job at least temporarily, and we take it day by day.

I made a few promises to myself last night as I laid awake. I promised myself I would not eat over this. Food will not solve this problem. I will continue blogging on a daily basis. I will not let myself sink into depression, or let anxiety rule my life. I will continue to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. 

Life is full of change and there are no guarantees. A friend of mine yesterday said they wanted to hear me give a battle scream! I've got one for you today. I am 100% committed to today and continuing to change my life. The race must go on!

Easy fajitas!!

Have you tried Tyson Grilled and Ready chicken strips yet? They are so good.  I have been trying to find ways to fix healthy meals in a hurry, and these Tyson strips have made it easy.  Today I made fajitas for lunch.  I fixed everything in the microwave.  Here is what I bought at the store to fix the fajitas.

1 bag Tyson Grilled and Ready Fajita seasoned chicken strips.
1 bag frozen peppers and onions
1 bag shredded cheese
1 bag shredded lettuce
1 container sour cream
1 jar salsa
1 pkg whole wheat tortillas

I microwaved the peppers and onions separately from the chicken because they take a while to cook in the microwave.  I just put them in a microwaveable container, and heated them in the microwave for about 15 mins. I am sure it depends on your particular microwave, so I would check them every 5 mins.  I layed out the chicken on a microwaveable plate and cooked it for about 5 mins.  I also heated the tortillas up for about a min.  Then we dug in.  A quick and easy way to start off a Monday. 

If you have any healthy meal ideas that are quick to make, please share.  I would love to hear others ideas. 

How to stop a moving train

I may have written about this before, but I once had a therapist explain to me that changing a habit was like trying to slow down a moving train.  She went on to say that you wouldn’t just step in front of a moving train and expect it to stop.  She went on to say that our habits our like moving trains, and we can’t just expect them to stop immediately because we want them to.  

That day in her office I heard what she said, but I didn’t fully understand it.  I probably still don’t, but what I do know is what I have been doing in the past regarding my weight has not been working.  I have tried every diet and program that is out there.  Okay maybe not every program, but it seems that way. I have gotten good at “white knuckling” things for a little, but never had permanent change.  That is what I want more than anything.  I know you never really move on from taking care of yourself, but I am ready to reach a point of peace in regards to my weight. 

This morning I got up and I decided to weight again even though it was not my scheduled weigh day.  I didn’t see the results I wanted and started freaking out. I started thinking I have to make changes. I need to start counting calories again. I need to exercise every day, and the list went on and on.   I am glad that I thought of that day in my counselor’s office.  I reminded myself that I have proven over and over again I can lose weight, but that is not what I want this time.  I want to develop a healthier and more active lifestyle, but I have had 35 years to develop an unhealthy lifestyle.  I’m not making excuses, but what I am saying is that I am learning that it is more important for me to make 1 change a week or every 2 weeks that I can genuinely sustain than white knuckle it only to gain it all back when I can’t be perfect. 

Last week I decided to get off sweets and diet drinks. I can’t say I didn’t miss the Diet Dr. Pepper, but I understand more the impact sugar and even artificial sweeteners have on my body.  For the next two weeks I plan to continue that change plus I plan on focusing on cooking more at home. I know in order for Josh and me to get healthier, we have to cook more at home.  We have both agreed to limit eating out to two times a week which is a huge reduction in the amount of eating out we normally do.  This goal includes meal planning and grocery shopping.  

A year from now, I want to look back on the last twelve months and know that Josh and I have made changes that will help us live a longer and healthier life, and be able to pass those healthy changes on to our children. I want to feel confident in my ability to maintain the healthy changes.

I know that all of us have goals and changes we are trying to make.  Whatever your goal is, I know that we can reach those goals.  I think the most important thing we can do as we make changes is to be gentle with ourselves. That doesn’t mean making excuses or letting ourselves off the hook, but it means trusting ourselves enough to believe that we know what works and doesn’t work for us.  Slowly but surely we can stop the moving train. 

Creating a successful meal plan

I woke up today focused. First step on my agenda was to create a meal plan for the next two weeks.  I have tried this many times in the past, but I always end up with a bunch of food ruining, not getting all the ingredients because I tire out at the store, and not liking what I planned because I wasn't realistic about the plan.

Here are some steps I took to set us up for success in the upcoming weeks regarding our meals.

1) I set realistic goals.  Josh and I want to gradually adopt a clean eating lifestyle the majority of the time. In the past, I would have felt like I had to be perfect from the start. But I know it is highly unlikely that we are going to go from eating out 1-2 times a day to cooking homemade meals three times a day. Plus we have a freezer and pantry full of foods. The only foods I have decided not to use up is the sweets. So I set the goal that I would prepare two clean eating recipes over the next two weeks. I included other recipes that I knew how to make, and tried to focus on incorporating easy to fix fruits and vegetables. 

2) divide and conquer- Josh and I each decided on meals we would be willing to cook. This way we don't have to be in the kitchen every day.

3) plan a route- I made a very clear grocery list and made sure to check to make sure we had items instead of just assuming we already had them. I grouped items together by location in the store. This will make grocery shopping a lot easier.

 4) planned the best store to go to-Once I made the grocery list, I went to krazycouponlady.com and checked out the coupons and deals. I know they say you save more money if you plan your purchases around the sales, but I just don't know enough about regular prices to do that. Plus I don't have a large bank of receipts I've tried. 

I marked beside the item on my grocery list if there was a coupon to print.

5) finally, I made a semi game plan for when to cook what. I planned the meals so that I saved time and limited the amount of time in the kitchen. I focused on cooking the meals with the fresh ingredients the first week, so the items won't go bad. I also planned out cooking larger quantities of certain foods such as taco meat to have again the next week.

I am hoping these steps will help. I will let you know how it works out. My sister-in-law shared with me an idea that I am going to try as well. I am going to get a  binder and some clear protective pockets. As I cook recipes we like, I am going to put them in the binder. After I have it filled up, I can use that binder as an easy meal planner. As one meal is fixed, I can move it to the end of the list. Would love to hear any tips or tricks you use to help with meal planning.

The pursuit of happiness

Just returned home from the most spectacular of fireworks displays. I am always in aww of all the lights and colors. The only way I know how to describe it is to say it was simply magical. The entire day was wonderful. Josh and I slept in, had a nice lunch out, drove around and looked at houses, went swimming, and had dinner with family. It was a very relaxing day.

I want to keep today's post short, but I wanted to share this. All I kept thinking about today was that is Independence Day. It is our day to celebrate freedom. I can't pretend to imagine what it would be like to be in the military and risk your life to defend a greater purpose. I would be scared out of my mind.  I am thankful that I was born in this country.

Today I also thought about the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" with Will Smith. At the start of the movie he talks about how we are not guaranteed happiness, but we are guaranteed the right to pursuit happiness. I made a promise to myself today that I would not let a day go by that I didn't pursuit my dream. I would work everyday to get healthier, to start a family, to have a house, to work from home with my husband, and have the life that we want. Because what I have found for myself is it is in the pursuit that happiness is found. 

The days you no longer want what you want!

Today, I woke up with my back hurting and my legs all swelled up.  Today is Wednesday and that is my weight day, so I stepped up on the scales. The results were not pretty.  And so the day began to go downhill.  I began feeling discouraged and upset. I have noticed that the last few weeks my mood has not been the best.  I think a lot of it has to do with the heat, but also just feeling a little overwhelmed by life.  Staying in that overwhelmed feeling does not do much good for me. I end up getting very little accomplished, and I turn to food. 

So today I decided to focus my energy on finding stories of people that have found success in getting healthier and reducing stress.  One of the first examples I found was a lady that had gotten healthier and reduced stress through daily meditation.  She shares in her story about how her day had become filled with so many projects and tasks that she lost touch with the present.  I have included the link below.

http://www.thatsfit.com/2011/05/12/meditation-helped-alyson-lose-the-80-pounds-she-gained-from-a-st/

Whether or not I start doing what would be considered mediation, I do like the idea of starting my morning with some relaxation and quite time. I do my best when I am centered and at peace with the day and myself.  There is one particular statement in the article that has stuck with me.  She wrote, “When we're less reactive, we don't eat mindlessly. We have that tiny gap in our experience, right before our next breath, to remind us that we can make better decisions in the moment (even the most stressful ones).” I found that to be a very powerful and true statement.  I loved the fact that this article did not share a certain diet or exercise program. Instead it focused on ways she reduced stress and centered herself. 

The second thing I read that really helped me regain focus and peace was on Facebook today. I follow Geneen Roth who writes a lot of great books about establishing a healthy relationship with food.  Her post today focused on discipline.  I once had a therapist tell me that I set rules for myself only to rebel against them.  Needless to say she was right and I struggle a lot with disciple.  In Geneen’s post today she talked about how we need to change the way we view discipline. Instead of looking at as a bad thing and way to control ourselves, we need to look at a way of loving ourselves.  I am trying to move towards that way of thinking in regards to the changes that I am making.  I am making these changes because I love myself. 

Today I was sitting on the bed, and Josh asked me “what is wrong, you look so sad?”  I replied, “I’m not sad, but just mentally tired.”  Sometimes I feel like every day I am constantly fighting this internal battle regarding my weight, in regards to finances, in regards to so many things.  So many days I feel like just giving up, but what I know is that I am always going to want what I want again. So I can either learn to work through days like this when I think I don’t want to fight anymore, or I can fall back into the negative thoughts and destructive behaviors.  For today I choose to stay in the race.

Just keep swimming..just keep swimming!

I think it is very easy to get stuck in life. I have spent a lot of time feeling paralyzed by what decisions to make.  I worry about making the wrong decision.  There are times when standing still and not doing anything is the best decision, but there are also times when I think any move is better than staying stuck.

It is easy to fall into the comfort of not knowing and constantly searching for the right choice, and the best move to make.  I have spent a many of nights searching for the best diet, the best new job, the best approach to starting a business, or anything else I am concerned about. Pretty soon the act of searching becomes a comfortable spot.  In a way it is enough to make me feel like I am doing something about my problem, but without the discomfort of actually have to make a decision. 

Today I found myself struggling with making decisions.  I have been having problems figuring out what to write about. I have started writing about many different topics, but would end up scratching the idea and starting over.  I wanted the perfect topic.  I have found myself feeling the same way about decisions regarding eating and my health. Do I count calories? How often do I weight myself? What do I eat? What do I not eat? All of these questions can driver a girl crazy...(no wisecracks wanted..lol)  Josh and I are looking at buying a house in October, and I keep thinking is this the best time, are we financially ready, and the questions go on and on.

In the past I have done nothing, and waited until I felt inspired regarding the decision, but looking back I realize I should have just kept moving. This doesn't mean making rash decisions.  It doesn't mean just going out and buying a house, but it does mean moving in the general direction of where I want to go.  One blog on an uninteresting topic is not going to kill me, but starting to get in the habit of skipping days could make me lose focus.  Choosing to count calories for a little bit until I decide my next move is only going to help me. It will keep me moving in the direction I want to go.  I know eventually we want to buy, so I am trying to slowly go through things, we are looking for houses in the areas we might want to move, and making the necessary financial decisions to be ready.  I know eventually I would like to just have a healthy routine that doesn't require counting calories, but as I am making changes I am choosing to count calories for now. 

Tomorrow I make totally different choices, and that is okay.  For today I just feel good that I am staying in the race and making headway. It feels good to keep moving.  As Dora in Finding Nemo says " Just Keep Swimming!, Just Keeping Swimming!.

The contents of the brown bag

I am very excited about getting off sweets.  I know it sounds rather silly, but I guess it is because now I understand a little more about why for me eating sweets is not a good thing.  As I was writing my blog the other day and telling the world of my commitment, I started thinking about when I got off sugar in the past.

In 2002, I moved to Conway and started graduate school.  I was so excited to be out on my own and viewed it as a fresh start.  I found out about a group called Overeaters Anonymous and I went to several meetings. I related to what the group members shared.  I knew and still know that food has a big part in my life.  I knew that I ate when I was upset, happy, or angry.  I knew that where others would stop eating and feel full I just couldn’t seem to stop.  I knew that something kept from losing the weight and keeping it off. 

So pretty soon after joining OA I started a food plan of eating three meals a day, no second helpings, and no snacks.  It was hard at times. The idea of sweets sometimes would get in my mind and wouldn’t go away, but I had the support of others to help me through.  I started losing weight and by summer I had lost almost 100 pounds. All of my friends and family were so proud of me. I remember going clothes shopping, and buying an entire new wardrobe. I felt good, and I was so excited about my progress. 

I remember the day I decided I wanted some ice cream and I was tired of not being able to be like everybody else. I wanted to be able to eat sweets. I pulled into Subway/TCBY and anticipated eating a large Reece’s Peanut Butter cup shiver with extra candy.  I was getting so excited about getting to eat my favorite combination of icecream and candy.  Then in the rear view mirror I see my Uncle pull up behind me. I panicked.  My entire family had been hearing me talk about being off sugar and had seen  me lose all this weight.  If he saw me order the icecream, what would he think?  A thousand thoughts ran in my head. He waved, and I slightly waved back.  As I pulled up to the window, the lady was getting ready to hand me my cup full of yumminess. I quickly said, “ Can you please put that in a bag?”. She looked at me like, What the heck?  I repeated myself, “Would you mind putting that in a bag for me?”  I grabbed the bag and quickly drove off. I think by the time I got home, I was so stressed out about the situation that I probably didn’t even enjoy the icecream.

Now looking back it is rather funny. I have since shared the story with my Uncle, and we all got a good laugh about it.  In reality, though, I really did panic.  I really was so afraid of people finding out that I ate some icecream, that I wasn’t perfect, and them thinking “Oh she fell off the wagon again”.  There is such a part of myself that wants to share my story, my difficulties, and my struggles. But them there is a part of me, a big part of me, that is scared.  What I am learning about myself is that when I am feeling ashamed, scared, or upset I turn to food, and then it just creates more of the problem that I am trying to fix.  I have promised myself that I will not beat myself up about my eating anymore. This is a process for me as much as it is the person that is struggling with 20 pounds. 

And I guess I say all this to say that we are all trying to figure life and ourselves out. We did not come with an instruction manual.  I am going to continue to fall down just like everybody else. But I am determined to keeping getting up and stay in the race. Most importantly I am committed to no longer feeling ashamed of who I am.  So if you happen upon me and I am eating a Hot Fudge Sundae come sit beside me. I will buy one for you too;)