Why I really can't just eat one Pringles?

Last week I started reading a book called Fat Chance by Robert Lustig. I am by no means a technical writer, so I am not going to try and explain all the details, but what I will say is that the book made me look at the foods I eat differently. The book specifically talked about the way our body processes sugar and the impact the processing process has on our body. It talked about the way our body processes and responds to artificial sweeteners as well. From my understanding of what I read even though drinking a diet drink may not make you gain weight, it causes the same fluctuations in your body's insulin as sugar. 

I wish I understood more of what I read to be able to explain it all better, but for me it just hit home things I had already been thinking about. One of the concepts the book talked about was how a large portion of the obese are insulin resistant. This resistance, if I understood correctly makes it harder and harder for you to be satisfied. Your body doesn't get that fullness feeling, and so you need more and more food to feel satisfied. This makes such sense to me, and explains some of things I have been experiencing such as hardly ever feeling full.

In 2003 I got off sweets for almost a year.  At the time I didn't fully understand why except that I was told I was addicted to food. Over that year, I lost over 100lbs and felt great, but i always felt like i was punishing myself. I ended up going off the plan, and gaining the weight back. I have tried limiting sweets to once or twice a week, but it never satisfies me and so I eat more and more. 

I have known for years that I needed to get back off the sugary junk, but I think I just didn't understand why, and felt like I was in someway being mean to myself by trying. It almost felt like a punishment as I said above. Reading that book, and researching the topic made me understand the why behind what I knew I wanted and needed to do. It also made me understand why some people can eat a piece of chocolate or something and be satisfied, and why I cannot. 

The reality I have accepted about myself is I love food. I think about food as much as some think about a hobby, and that isn't going to change. Nor do I think it should. But what I am committed to doing is honoring my body with good foods that I have taken the time to plan out, prepare and enjoy. I deserve that. 

My husband and I have committed to gradually moving to "clean eating" lifestyle. My first big commitment is to get off the diet drinks and sweets. I plan on only eating fruit for dessert the first 30 days and then I may or may not try some clean eating desserts after that on a limited basis. It will depend on how it impacts my body. 

I have also committed to making four other changes this month which I will blog on throughout the week. I am excited about continuing to share my journey. Although this week, my blog will focus more on the food I know that is only a small percentage of the greater issue. I am still day by day learning to love myself and honor myself with good food and a good life. 

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I use to love going to the grocery store. I think it was because I finally felt free to buy whatever I wanted. If I wanted two different flavors of ice cream, a turtle cheesecake, and chips and dip, then in the cart they went. Now I view grocery shopping as a chore.

Grocery shopping in the past was more for drinks, snacks and sweets. When it came to meals, I wanted and truthfully still would like convenience foods. The last few months I am starting to see some changes in my thinking about food. I have been reading a lot more about what goes into the foods I eat, and how those chemicals impact my body. I would truly like to limit the amounts of processed, sugar filled, and fried foods that I consume.

As silly as it seems I think in my mind I have always thought of my eating in black and white terms. I was either eating totally healthy or eating whatever ( and I do mean whatever) I wanted. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I made a commitment to no longer view my eating in all or nothing terms.

One of the things I did this weekend was make a list of all the healthy foods I like. I love raw veggies such as green peppers, onions, cucumbers, and carrots. I also love a lot of fruits such as strawberries, grapes, pineapple, and cantaloupe. Then I thought about what obstacles have kept me from incorporating these foods and other healthy foods into my eating. There have been many times that I have bought fruit and vegetables, but they end up ruining in the fridge because I never found the time to prepare them.

This week at the grocery store, I found so many great fresh fruits and vegetables already cut up. I bought bell peppers and onions that were already cut up and packaged. They were labeled for fajitas, but I bought those for salads. I bought cucumbers from the salad bar that were already cut up and I got strawberries, grapes, and cantaloupe that were already fixed and ready to eat. I also got Tyson's grilled and ready frozen chicken to add on top of the salads. When I got home I used these fresh and fit containers with dividers to divide up the veggies for two days worth of salads.

I've always thought eating healthy would be so much more expensive. I'm not sure if that is true or not, but I know we were spending most days $40 plus dollars eating out. I know, of course, buying the already cut up fruits and veggies is more expensive, but it did show me that I can eat healthier even on my worst weeks. So we will see about the money aspect of eating healthier as time goes on.

This week we shopped at Kroger. I was so impressed with all they had. My husband found a nice sitting area in the store. Many times we will go to the store, and I will have a full list of groceries, but I only leave with half because I get so tired. This leaves me still not eating better because I end up at home with only half the stuff I need. So this trip we took several breaks and we walked out of the store with everything we needed.

I guess the point of all this is to say that I think sometimes we view our difficulties and negative thoughts about getting healthy or reaching our goals as simply excuses. The truth is, however, it doesn't matter if the next door neighbor runs five miles a day, cooks dinner every night, and grows her own organic fruit and vegetable garden. What matters is what is keeping you from reaching your goals.  You may have no problems going to the grocery store, but may have other things you struggle with. For myself I am determined to look at any obstacles, both real and imagined, that are keeping me from getting healthier and find ways around them.

Pursuing my Passion

I was talking with a co-worker yesterday about his dream of starting a business.  He is 23 years old. I am 34.  I told him if I could offer one piece of advice, I would start now. You have the job to pay your bills, but work on your dream a little bit every day.  I knew from an early age I wanted to start a business, but I let me lack of confidence keep me from pursing my dream to start a business in the field I wanted.  When I did attempt to start a business, I did something I thought in my head would be a more safe bet.  But I truly believe that it is your passion that drives you to success in any business. It is your passion that gets you up at 5 in the morning, and keeps you going until late in the night hours.  It is your passion that finds a way to keep trying even when the numbers don’t crunch right. My passion wasn’t for gift baskets. My passion is in helping people reach their goals and overcome obstacles. 

Sometimes I think where I would be now if I had simply started working on my dream 10 years ago. Of course that is all water under the bridge.  Since I started this blog, I find myself more and more excited.  I feel like every day I write, I am in a way honoring myself and my dreams.  I don’t know where the blog is going to take me, but I have promised myself I won’t let a day go by that I don’t work on my dream in some way.  I am more excited to get out of bed now, and even the job that I don’t like is somehow more bearable.  There is something so magical about just going after something you alone want. 

When I worked as a counselor, I saw so many people that worked their whole lives and always thought they could live out their dreams when they were retired, or when the kids were grown, or so on and so on, but someday never came.  There is a quote from Shawshank Redemption that I love.  Before the main character breaks out of jail he says “ Get busy living or get busy dying”  I love the statement because it truly says it all.  For today, I am excited to spend time pursuing my passion and working on my dream.   

Waking up from the Fairy Tale

Growing up I spent a lot of time by myself.  I didn’t have a whole lot of friends, and there was a big age difference between me and my brother and sister.  I struggled at an early age with depression, anxiety, and obesity.  My entire childhood seemed to be wrapped up in the idea that if I could only lose the weight my life would suddenly be different.  I would suddenly have my own “Happily Ever After”! 

The good thing was that as a child and still today, I had a very active, vivid imagination.  I learned from an early age how to escape.  Day by day, I drifted further and further into my own imagined fairy tale.  In my own world I was thin, beautiful, popular, and happy. In my fairy tale I was the star basketball player, a singer, a writer, and everything was possible.  With each new diet, I would tell myself as soon as I lose this weight everything will be perfect.  I kept telling myself that then the fairy tale would turn in to reality.  I remember filling notebook upon notebook with plans and stories about what my life would be like when I lost the weight, when I graduated from college, and when I finally met the love of my life.

With each unsuccessful diet, I detached myself more and more from reality and spent more and more time in my fairy tale. On the outside, I continued to go through the motions. I graduated from college, got my Master’s Degree, became a licensed therapist, and began a successful career.  I realize now, however, that there was always a certain level of disengagement.  I always felt disappointed by the real world.  The fairy tale was better. In the fairy tale, I didn’t have to pay bills, deal with people letting me down, deal with me letting others down, and deal with my weight.  The fairy tale was safe.  

In some ways my life was like having a 24/7 movie playing in my head and I was the star.  When the realities of life did seem to creep into my thoughts, I numbed myself with sweets and other junk food, and returned back to my fairy tale.  In 2008, I feel like the best blessing that could ever happen to me occurred, I met my husband.  Suddenly there was something in the real world that I wanted and the fairy tale began to lose its appeal. 

I realize now that over the past six years, I have been slowly waking up from this fairy tale that I had created in my head.  The problem is that all the time I spent living in my dream world, kept me from dealing with the realities of the “real world”.  I let the bills pile up, the weight pile on, the apartment stay dirty, and the career become unsatisfying.  Nothing in the world ever seemed enough in comparison to the fairy tale.  That is as I mentioned above, until I met my husband.

The waking up process, however, has not been an easy one.  I woke up this morning feeling disillusioned by life.  The only way I know how to describe it is that it as if I have been living in one room of this big huge house my entire life.  In this one room, I have made sure that everything was neatly decorated, cleaned, and well maintained.  In the meantime, however, the rest of the house has become dusty, dirty, and damaged because of years of neglect.  In some was this is what I have found in the waking up process.  I have found a mess.

Looking back I realize there were times when I tried to wake up and spend more time outside of the fantasy land.  I would start to lose weight and feel good about myself, but the realities of the mess I had created from not being in the present was too much for me to handle.  I didn’t want to have to worry about the dishes, the debt, the career, and all these emotions. It was much easier for me to escape and just put out the necessary fires that came up along the way. 

For me I am realizing that the biggest part of recovery is learning to stay in reality and in the present.  A wise friend of mine says that when you don’t know what to do, to just stand still.  That is sometimes the hardest thing for me to do right now.  It is hard to stay still and look around you and see life for what it really is.  It is hard to see the mess you created while in la..la..land.  Even with an amazing marriage and all this hope for the future, I still find myself struggling with life.  I still sometimes want to run back to my fairy tale land.  I still feel dissatisfied by my job, overwhelmed by the weight I have to lose, and the debt I need to repay.  I still struggle with depression, and anxiety. 

So for today, I promise to just keep breathing, to do what I can do to continue cleaning up this life that I neglected, and most importantly to just keep in the present as hard and uncomfortable as the present may be sometimes. 

She's A Witch-Burn her, burn her!

Maybe I haven't read enough about it to know the important details, but I feel like, what the heck just happened, when it comes to the story of Paula Dean. More importantly what the heck is happening to our society? We are so quick to take a person and rake them over the coals when they say or do something we don't agree with. I'm not even going to get into the details of the situation, but I would just like to point to the big power button on your remote control. If you push the button, it turns the TV off or you can push the up and down channel arrows and turn the TV station whenever something or someone you don't like comes on. 

Last summer I was watching the Joan and Melissa show. In one episode Joan was going camping with her daughter and they went target shooting. Joan was doing horrible and they told her to think of things she hated. She listed something in reference to fat people. As silly as it seems it totally hurt my feelings. How can you hate a whole group of people because of their weight. I thought about writing a letter to the producers, but then I turned the TV off and moved on.

I am all about equal rights. I believe people should be able to legally marry who they want to and all people should be able to pursue their dreams no matter their color or beliefs. The problem is we as a society have come to want the best of both worlds. We say we want a world with freedom of expression and free speech, but deep down we only want it if it fits with what we believe. 

I would have a lot more respect for the situation with Paula Dean if the Food Network had kept her show on and let the ratings determine the fate. 

The point of this is to say this. If you truly want the right to say how you feel, don't criticize others for saying or doing what they feel. Unless it keeps you from being safe or keeps you from being able to pursuit happiness as outlined in the constitution, leave it be. 

I know for myself, I have had to work hard at accepting that I can 't control people. I wish things were different. I have eaten a many of bags of chips and bowls of icecream because of something someone said, did, or didn 't do. I wish certain people in my life and our society viewed me and the world differently, but I can only control what I do and what comes out my mouth. We need to focus more on our own actions and words, and the example we are setting for the next generation. 

Ending the insanity!

As I have mentioned before, I have lost a lot of weight in my lifetime.  I started dieting when I was in the third grade. I was the youngest person at the Weight Watcher meetings by fourth grade.  I have tried the low-fat diet, the rotation diet, High Energy, counting calories, Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal, Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous which is not really a diet, UAMS weight control program, TOPS, and Jenny Craig.  With all these programs, I have seen others lose the weight and with some of them even keep it off. For me I saw myself lose and gain 100’s of pounds.  At the end of these programs what I did seem to lose and maintain was my confidence in myself.  After each program I felt worst and worst about myself. I felt like a failure, and it spilled over into other areas of my life. I felt like I could accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. Of course, I don’t blame the program. As I said above, I saw people that had great success with those programs.  I have family members that have lost weight through counting calories and Weight Watchers, and have been able to maintain. I see how hard they work at it, and no matter what you do it takes work. 

Albert Einstein said that “insanity is the act of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” For years I have done just that. Each year I started a new diet, set a new goal, and at the end of the year I had little to show for it.  The sad part of all that is that I lost a lot in the process. I lost time with family and friends. I missed events because they wouldn’t have food that was on my program.  I put off meeting people thinking oh in a little while I will be thin and then I will go out. I put off chasing my dream of being motivational speaker and life coach. I let people treat me badly and used my weight as an excuse for them.  I treated others badly and used my own weight as a rationalization to make that okay. 

In 2007 I met my husband Josh.  In so many ways he changed my life.  He was and still is always telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am , how much fun I am to be with. I had never had that.  It did something to me.  For a while after we met, I didn’t really bother too much with weight loss. I think I just needed a break from it all.  I have had periods over the last few years when I have counted calories or watched what I eat, but I didn’t just go on this extreme eating plan. The crazy thing is that over the last 5 years I have consistently maintained or lost weight each year.  That is a big deal for me.

Meeting the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with makes you want to have as long of life as possible. Josh and I are both so ready to start a family. I don’t feel like I need to be skinny to do that, but I do realize the increased risk associated with getting pregnant at my size now, plus I want to be able to keep up with our kids, and I want to pass on healthy habits to our kids. My motivation for wanting to get healthier is a lot different now. It is totally about me, and what I want for the future. 

What I have decided for myself is that another diet is not going to work for me. I once had a therapist that told me I set all these hard rules for myself only to rebel against them.  My husband has told me the same thing, so any diet I am definitely going to rebel against.  What I have noticed from watching others lose weight and keep it off is that the majority of the time they eat healthy foods.  They like healthy foods, and they have become an ingrained part of their life. It doesn’t mean they don’t have weeks that they end up eating at McDonalds eating every night because of a chaotic life, but they are always aware of what goes into their bodies, and working to maintain a healthy balance.  That is the point I want to get to. 

Last week was a big week for me.  Starting to blog about weight was a huge accomplishment, and I appreciate everybody’s support so much. What I want for myself and for others is this, that we can all work together to reach our goals in our own way and our timeline. That we can admit we are scared, tired, confused, or just plain frustrated, and find ways to overcome together. 

In honor of that I have made five commitments to myself. 1) I will no longer put my life on hold for my weight. I am going to work starting now on pursing my dream of life coaching and motivational speaking.  2) I will stop having on and off days.  I will focus everyday on including healthier and healthier foods into my body, moving my body more, and stressing less.  I will no longer take vacations from taking care of myself.  3) I will learn more about my body through books, experts, and seminars.  4) I will continue with this blog and sharing my story and journey. 5) finally, I will be grateful today for how far my body has gotten me, the wonderful people in my life today, and the wonderful adventures that await.

Lose 100 lbs and call me in the morning: Obesity and the medical profession.

I once had a doctor tell me that it would be good if I lost 100 pounds, but that was unlikely to happen so we will do this instead.  Of course I am paraphrasing, but that was the basis of what he was saying. I was not too happy about that comment. I don't think I went back to that doctor after that. This morning I was reading a friend's response to my blog post about whether or not obesity was a disease, and in her response she was talking about her dealings with the medical profession, and how it was hard for her to find a doctor that wouldn't just focus in on her weight instead of taking the time to understand her history, contributing factors, and what happened first. Her comments got me thinking about my dealings with the medical field.

Here is my truth.  I am very realistic about my weight and the realities of what problems my weight could cause.  I know that it could lead to an early death, and that as I get older I am likely to have more problems.  The slightest twinge in my chest makes me imagine the worst.  So it is not like I am going around every day with my head in the sand.  I remember someone from a medically supervised weight loss program telling me that if I didn't lose weight I was going to die, and they asked me is that not enough to motivate me.  It scared me, but it didn't make me all the sudden get it together and drop 100 pounds.  In fact, I believe shortly after that and the same person telling me after I lose the weight I could only have cheese dip on my birthday (seriously...?) Here is a tip to all the medical people out there. Don't try to motivate a fat person by telling them they have to give up all their favorite foods. I left the program. Believe me when I say I am as puzzled as the next person as to why all of the possible medical complications are not enough to make me never want to overindulge again, but it has not been the case. 

When I was in college, I remember reading that a lot of overweight indviduals don't finish college because of feeling ashamed and not being able to get around. I remember it going on to talk about how a lot of obese indivdiuals would delay seeking medical attention due to not wanting to be embarrased, talked about, or have a bad experience.  I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that.  I would go to the doctor and do what I needed to do to take care of myself at the weight I am at.

Several years ago I had a friend recommend to me a gynocologist.  I hate, hate, hate going to the gynocologist. I especially hate it because of my weight.  I am so embarrased to go, but I went to this doctor and I have to say I absolutely love her.  I love her because she has larger gowns that make me feel comfortable.  I love her because I have never once felt ashamed or uncomfortable about my weight in her office, but most importantly I love her because I feel i can talk to her about anything. We have had open discussions about my weight and pregnancy. She is very realistic about it, and very positive.  She has told me the realities of risks associated if I got pregnant at my size now, and what we would do to help with the risks.  She has also gave me a realistic weight to shoot for, but more than anything she encouraged me to just keep pushing.  She gave me hope. 

I wish I could find that with a primary care doctor.  There are times I think I have, but I always end up feeling like they don't think I should have an opinion on my own health. Again I want to say that fat does not equal stupid. Don't assume I don't know what the risks are with being at my size. Don't assume I don't research and know about my own body. This doesn't mean I think I'm an expert. If I come to you for help with a cold, please treat the cold. Ever visit doesn't have to end in a discussion about my size.

I did some research this morning on size-friendly medical professions. I haven't yet found a listing in Arkansas. Maybe that is something I can work on in the future, or it maybe it is out there and I didn't find it. All I can say is what I would like from a doctor. I just want someone that I feel respects me as a person. It doesn't have to mean they fall under a category called size friendly.  I want someone that understands that yes I would like to get healthier, but in the meantime I am at this weight now. Yes some of my issues maybe impacted by my weight or even caused by my weight, but can you please give my ideas of what I can do to take care of myself today?  Can u please do something other than give me a pamphlet about 1200 calorie eating plans? Finally if I come in to your office having maintained the weight I had lost the last time, can you please not tell me I should have lost more. Oh and if you are feeling especially kind, can you please put some chairs in your waiting room that don't have the hard side arms? I promise they won't make me forget that I am fat, and increase my chances of staying obese. Can I get an Amen please?

Feeling the shame and beginning healing

We all have problems, and we all have struggles. Some struggle with getting to places on time, some struggle with drinking, some with smoking, some with anger and flying off the handle. I struggle with food and anxiety. My body does not hide those struggles well. The moment I walk out the door I am noticed, looked at, pointed at, and have people making comments. Note to the world: fat does not equal deaf or blind-I hear your comments-I see your stares. Now bare with me a moment I promise this is not a feel sorry for me blog post. 

I know I got myself into this mess, and with each day I am finding confidence I will find a solution.

What has been on my mind this week, and is the reason I mentioned the above is shame. Writing about my weight and struggle with obesity this week, has started this process inside of me I didn't expect. I did not realize how much shame I was feeling about my weight, and how much I didn't want to talk about it, claim it, or draw attention to it. When people brought up the subject I would cringe. I felt like I couldn't have an opinion on anything relating to food. When I was on a diet, losing weight, and managing to white knuckle it for awhile, I would talk about weight till I was blue in the face. My family and friends have seen me lose 100's of pounds. They have celebrated with me, and then watched me fall. But oh the lows were low. When I was gaining, I felt myself silencing and detaching more and more from people. I became angry when the topic of weight was brought up and wanted people to just leave me the hell alone.

Last night at work my chair rubbed across a snag in the carpet and the carpet tore further. One of my co-workers pointed it out to me, and the feelings of shame began to kick in. I immediately began thinking it was because I was heavier and had made the chair sag differently. I suddenly felt fat, ugly, and ashamed in myself. I wanted to crawl in a corner all over a chair. 

I am tired of being ashamed of myself, and feeling like I don't have a voice or right to use it. Fat does not equal stupid. I spend a great deal of time researching and exploring issues relating to obesity, anxiety, and other issues. I am not broken or not functioning. I have a job, a marriage, a life. I am not just my size, but it is a part of me. I don't want to talk about it all the time, but I do want to talk about it. I am so excited about this journey I am on, and I hope I can help other people out there feel better about themselves no matter what their struggles are.

Is obesity a disease?

http://gma.yahoo.com/video/ama-declares-obesity-disease-125013059.html

I thought this video was very interesting. The video shared an interview on Good Morning America about whether or not obesity was a disease. I think a great point was made in regards to this issue in the sense that it really doesn't matter how you label obesity. Is it a disease, an addiction, or something else? I think the more important question like was mentioned on the interview is what to do about it?

The sad part or disappointing part of this interview for me was that when he started talking about the solution he only mentioned diet and exercise. A lot of diet books and weight loss programs are all about reducing intake and increasing exercise. I totally agree that is an important part. For some people that really is the only part. Some people are able to change the way they are preparing food, make some food habit changes, and add in exercise and be able to get to a healthy weight. Now I by no means intend on over simplifying their weight loss and making it seem like it is easy. Any weight loss takes determination, prioritization, and hard work.

What bothers me is that there is no mention of looking at other factors such as depression, anxiety, boredom, grief, anger, unresolved issues, habits, or other factors.  I just think our society needs to broaden their perspective on obesity and look from many different perspectives instead of just from a medical perspective.

I think obesity is like anything else. There are a lot of stereotypes associated with obesity such as these individuals are lazy or they don't take care of themselves. I think until we focus on each individual and their specific issues relating to food and overall body image, we are not going to see obesity rates go down.

Taking care of myself!

I sometimes look at the world and I am amazed at all people can accomplish. I am amazed at mothers who manage to work a full time job, shuffle the kids from place to place, keep themselves looking immaculate, keep their house clean and still manage to get dinner on the table. I am in aww of all the people that wake up at 5:00 am to exercise, start a business from scratch, and live on energy drinks and 2-3 hours of sleep at night.

I think it is hard sometimes because there is such a fine balance between pushing yourself to be better, to go further, and do more; and honoring and taking care of yourself. The reality is this, I don't have the same energy level that others have. This is the case no matter what your size is. We are all different. 

Today I slept in till 10:45. I woke up frantic because I overslept, and didn't get more accomplished. But sitting here now, I feel so good. I feel better than I have felt in a long time. Today reminds me to honor my body and my body's needs. Each day I try to push myself a little further. I know in time I will have more energy. But for now, I just have to remind myself that the more I take care of myself, the more I will want to stay in the race. And isn't that the point of life-to stay in the race?

Sharing my truth!

I couldn't sleep last night. I was so excited and filled with ideas about my blog. I have known for a while that I wanted to start writing more, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about. I couldn't seem to find my passion or niche. A former co-worker of mine and friend was talking about the direction he was going with his blog, and the impact it has already had on him and the people reading his blog.  I got to thinking about my truth and my story.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Leslie. I am 34 years old, happily married, and doing okay for myself. I have a good job though not where I ultimately want to be. I spent over six years working in the mental health field as a mental health therapist. I also spent six years stressed out, constantly working, and never really being able to fully enjoy life, so I made a decision to get out of counseling.  It wasn't an easy decision, and I have felt like I lost a little bit of my identity.  

For the most part I am very happy with my life. I was so blessed over 5 years ago to meet my husband Josh. He is a wonderful man and we have been married for almost three years now. We are getting ready to buy a house, and we are so ready to start a family! 

Truth be told, however, I am nervous about trying to have a baby.  

I am morbidly obese. In order to be anywhere near a so called " normal weight", I would need to lose over 300 lbs. I worry about starting trying to get pregnant, having a healthy delivery, and raising kids at my size. I worry about a lot of things at my size such as chairs at eating places or anywhere for that matter, pools, walking up stairs, going clothes shopping and so much more. 

I want to make this clear. I take full responsibility for my weight. I got myself here. I don't need that pointed out, but I also refuse to just lay down and quit. I am working on losing weight, and getting healthier. In the meantime, however, I am determined to enjoy my life at the size I am, and sometimes it is not easy. 

So I have decided to focus my blog on just that. I plan on sharing my truth, stories, struggles and experiences living my life at the size I am. I hope maybe it will help someone out there to share their truth. I decided to do this because a lot of what I read on the Internet about people my size is simply there struggle to lose weight. What about the rest of their life? I do want to get healthier, but I have to do all of that while working my job, paying my bills, being a wife, and doing other things. 

I am very excited about this journey.....talk at ya soon.