Feeling the shame and beginning healing

We all have problems, and we all have struggles. Some struggle with getting to places on time, some struggle with drinking, some with smoking, some with anger and flying off the handle. I struggle with food and anxiety. My body does not hide those struggles well. The moment I walk out the door I am noticed, looked at, pointed at, and have people making comments. Note to the world: fat does not equal deaf or blind-I hear your comments-I see your stares. Now bare with me a moment I promise this is not a feel sorry for me blog post. 

I know I got myself into this mess, and with each day I am finding confidence I will find a solution.

What has been on my mind this week, and is the reason I mentioned the above is shame. Writing about my weight and struggle with obesity this week, has started this process inside of me I didn't expect. I did not realize how much shame I was feeling about my weight, and how much I didn't want to talk about it, claim it, or draw attention to it. When people brought up the subject I would cringe. I felt like I couldn't have an opinion on anything relating to food. When I was on a diet, losing weight, and managing to white knuckle it for awhile, I would talk about weight till I was blue in the face. My family and friends have seen me lose 100's of pounds. They have celebrated with me, and then watched me fall. But oh the lows were low. When I was gaining, I felt myself silencing and detaching more and more from people. I became angry when the topic of weight was brought up and wanted people to just leave me the hell alone.

Last night at work my chair rubbed across a snag in the carpet and the carpet tore further. One of my co-workers pointed it out to me, and the feelings of shame began to kick in. I immediately began thinking it was because I was heavier and had made the chair sag differently. I suddenly felt fat, ugly, and ashamed in myself. I wanted to crawl in a corner all over a chair. 

I am tired of being ashamed of myself, and feeling like I don't have a voice or right to use it. Fat does not equal stupid. I spend a great deal of time researching and exploring issues relating to obesity, anxiety, and other issues. I am not broken or not functioning. I have a job, a marriage, a life. I am not just my size, but it is a part of me. I don't want to talk about it all the time, but I do want to talk about it. I am so excited about this journey I am on, and I hope I can help other people out there feel better about themselves no matter what their struggles are.