I'm angry!!!!!

When all this hit with the job loss on Monday, I remember thinking "Dammit, I'm sick of this!"  I'm sick of the instability, and all the worry that comes with change like this.  I remember thinking about how much time I had spent in my life upset, anxious, and depressed.  I was just plain sick of it. I told myself that I wasn't going to do that again. I wasn't going to get upset, starting thinking about all the things that could go wrong, or start getting depressed. 

I wish sometimes there was a manual for life.  I would like to know just exactly what a normal response is to situations.  When Hp announced on Monday that it was laying us off, I became tearful.  In the back of my mind I thought, "Why are you crying you hated this job?" But it didn't matter whether or not I liked the job or not. It was a job.  There were times while I was there that I didn't feel secure in the job.  Okay there were a lot of times, but I felt secure in my husbands job. He was and still is doing great there. I just didn't expect both of us to be deaing with this at the same time.

Now in my mind as I type this, I start rationalizing away the emotions that I feel. I start saying there are people that are worse off, everything is going to be okay, and think positive.  But the reality is that despite all of that, I feel like krapt. I want to sleep and be at peace,but instead I feel like throwing up.  And then I start getting angry at myself for feeling this way. 

I guess the reason that I wanted to share all this is because I think a lot of times we hide the emotions we don't want others to see.  I worry so much about what people think about me. I don't want people to see me as weak.  I may cry more than the average person, but I can guarentee you I am not going to quit. I may cry all the way to the finish line, but I am going to make it to the finish line.

So for tonight I just want to shout out that "I'm angry." I'm angry that things end before we are ready for them to end. I'm angry that life is constantly changing.  I'm angry that sometimes even when you give all you have to something, it doesn't work out. I'm angry because I'm sick and tired of being angry...lol...

I'm angry!  And thats okay. Maybe tomorrow I will feel something different. The end