I'm angry!!!!!

When all this hit with the job loss on Monday, I remember thinking "Dammit, I'm sick of this!"  I'm sick of the instability, and all the worry that comes with change like this.  I remember thinking about how much time I had spent in my life upset, anxious, and depressed.  I was just plain sick of it. I told myself that I wasn't going to do that again. I wasn't going to get upset, starting thinking about all the things that could go wrong, or start getting depressed. 

I wish sometimes there was a manual for life.  I would like to know just exactly what a normal response is to situations.  When Hp announced on Monday that it was laying us off, I became tearful.  In the back of my mind I thought, "Why are you crying you hated this job?" But it didn't matter whether or not I liked the job or not. It was a job.  There were times while I was there that I didn't feel secure in the job.  Okay there were a lot of times, but I felt secure in my husbands job. He was and still is doing great there. I just didn't expect both of us to be deaing with this at the same time.

Now in my mind as I type this, I start rationalizing away the emotions that I feel. I start saying there are people that are worse off, everything is going to be okay, and think positive.  But the reality is that despite all of that, I feel like krapt. I want to sleep and be at peace,but instead I feel like throwing up.  And then I start getting angry at myself for feeling this way. 

I guess the reason that I wanted to share all this is because I think a lot of times we hide the emotions we don't want others to see.  I worry so much about what people think about me. I don't want people to see me as weak.  I may cry more than the average person, but I can guarentee you I am not going to quit. I may cry all the way to the finish line, but I am going to make it to the finish line.

So for tonight I just want to shout out that "I'm angry." I'm angry that things end before we are ready for them to end. I'm angry that life is constantly changing.  I'm angry that sometimes even when you give all you have to something, it doesn't work out. I'm angry because I'm sick and tired of being angry...lol...

I'm angry!  And thats okay. Maybe tomorrow I will feel something different. The end

The next chapter begins

Obviously, I have had better weeks.  There is no easy way to be told you no longer have a job, but I would argue there are better ways. On the other hand I will say that I have been impressed with what came after and the resources made available. I am thankful for being given the opportunity to slow down and really evaluate my next move.

I am thankful that despite being upset, I have been open to listening. It is through listening this week that I have learned that I have been approaching my career the wrong way. I have found jobs mostly based on fear of not finding anything. I have learned to say what I think people want to hear to get the job. Today I realized that I need to start with what I want, and proactively seek that out.

A friend of mine this week challenged me to be 100% committed to what I want. The conversation got me thinking, and I realized there were a lot of things I was never 100% committed too. I have always held a little back. I think I was afraid to give 100% and find out it wasn't enough.

I remember a long time ago watching an episode of Oprah where she had a guest that talked about how we are the CEO's of our own life. He challenged us to evaluate how well we were doing. Truth be known I should be fired. I haven't been doing too good of a job. I'm not beating myself up. I'm just being honest.

I believe I have a lot of talents and skills, but I feel like I've been standing on the edge of the pool afraid to jump in the deep end. I love being in the deep end, but it is the process of getting there that scares me. I don't like the feeling of loss of control when you give all you can give and your unable to fully control the outcome.  

So I have challenged my self this week and next week to make my own personal business plan for my life. I want to look at what my mission is, my strengths, my weaknesses, my successes, my failures, and my overall goals for my future. I am excited to start this process and see what the next chapter in my life will bring. 

The game changer!

We had a plan, a good plan! My husband and I had all these plans for the next year and half. We planned on buying a house in October, getting a little pug in December, and hopefully a baby by next summer. We had been working so hard to get out of debt. We both planned on working at our current jobs for at least another 18 months, while we focused on starting our own business that would allow us to work from home. 

But then came the game changer, a curveball out of nowhere. I was told yesterday my position at HP would end in two weeks, and Josh's job would be ending a couple of months after. I think I could have handled it better if it had just been me, but for both of us to be impacted hit me like a ton of bricks.

A year from now I know all will be well. It always is. It is the next few weeks and months ahead that makes me nervous. It is the temporary discomfort and uncertainty that has me feeling nauseas. I laid awake last night feeling like what just happened?

But it did happen. The game has been changed. I can sit on the sidelines and be upset. I can turn away and refuse to play, but the truth remains that the game has been changed. So for today we go to work. I start the process of figuring out what happens regarding benefits and pay. Josh returns to his job at least temporarily, and we take it day by day.

I made a few promises to myself last night as I laid awake. I promised myself I would not eat over this. Food will not solve this problem. I will continue blogging on a daily basis. I will not let myself sink into depression, or let anxiety rule my life. I will continue to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. 

Life is full of change and there are no guarantees. A friend of mine yesterday said they wanted to hear me give a battle scream! I've got one for you today. I am 100% committed to today and continuing to change my life. The race must go on!

Easy fajitas!!

Have you tried Tyson Grilled and Ready chicken strips yet? They are so good.  I have been trying to find ways to fix healthy meals in a hurry, and these Tyson strips have made it easy.  Today I made fajitas for lunch.  I fixed everything in the microwave.  Here is what I bought at the store to fix the fajitas.

1 bag Tyson Grilled and Ready Fajita seasoned chicken strips.
1 bag frozen peppers and onions
1 bag shredded cheese
1 bag shredded lettuce
1 container sour cream
1 jar salsa
1 pkg whole wheat tortillas

I microwaved the peppers and onions separately from the chicken because they take a while to cook in the microwave.  I just put them in a microwaveable container, and heated them in the microwave for about 15 mins. I am sure it depends on your particular microwave, so I would check them every 5 mins.  I layed out the chicken on a microwaveable plate and cooked it for about 5 mins.  I also heated the tortillas up for about a min.  Then we dug in.  A quick and easy way to start off a Monday. 

If you have any healthy meal ideas that are quick to make, please share.  I would love to hear others ideas. 

How to stop a moving train

I may have written about this before, but I once had a therapist explain to me that changing a habit was like trying to slow down a moving train.  She went on to say that you wouldn’t just step in front of a moving train and expect it to stop.  She went on to say that our habits our like moving trains, and we can’t just expect them to stop immediately because we want them to.  

That day in her office I heard what she said, but I didn’t fully understand it.  I probably still don’t, but what I do know is what I have been doing in the past regarding my weight has not been working.  I have tried every diet and program that is out there.  Okay maybe not every program, but it seems that way. I have gotten good at “white knuckling” things for a little, but never had permanent change.  That is what I want more than anything.  I know you never really move on from taking care of yourself, but I am ready to reach a point of peace in regards to my weight. 

This morning I got up and I decided to weight again even though it was not my scheduled weigh day.  I didn’t see the results I wanted and started freaking out. I started thinking I have to make changes. I need to start counting calories again. I need to exercise every day, and the list went on and on.   I am glad that I thought of that day in my counselor’s office.  I reminded myself that I have proven over and over again I can lose weight, but that is not what I want this time.  I want to develop a healthier and more active lifestyle, but I have had 35 years to develop an unhealthy lifestyle.  I’m not making excuses, but what I am saying is that I am learning that it is more important for me to make 1 change a week or every 2 weeks that I can genuinely sustain than white knuckle it only to gain it all back when I can’t be perfect. 

Last week I decided to get off sweets and diet drinks. I can’t say I didn’t miss the Diet Dr. Pepper, but I understand more the impact sugar and even artificial sweeteners have on my body.  For the next two weeks I plan to continue that change plus I plan on focusing on cooking more at home. I know in order for Josh and me to get healthier, we have to cook more at home.  We have both agreed to limit eating out to two times a week which is a huge reduction in the amount of eating out we normally do.  This goal includes meal planning and grocery shopping.  

A year from now, I want to look back on the last twelve months and know that Josh and I have made changes that will help us live a longer and healthier life, and be able to pass those healthy changes on to our children. I want to feel confident in my ability to maintain the healthy changes.

I know that all of us have goals and changes we are trying to make.  Whatever your goal is, I know that we can reach those goals.  I think the most important thing we can do as we make changes is to be gentle with ourselves. That doesn’t mean making excuses or letting ourselves off the hook, but it means trusting ourselves enough to believe that we know what works and doesn’t work for us.  Slowly but surely we can stop the moving train. 

Creating a successful meal plan

I woke up today focused. First step on my agenda was to create a meal plan for the next two weeks.  I have tried this many times in the past, but I always end up with a bunch of food ruining, not getting all the ingredients because I tire out at the store, and not liking what I planned because I wasn't realistic about the plan.

Here are some steps I took to set us up for success in the upcoming weeks regarding our meals.

1) I set realistic goals.  Josh and I want to gradually adopt a clean eating lifestyle the majority of the time. In the past, I would have felt like I had to be perfect from the start. But I know it is highly unlikely that we are going to go from eating out 1-2 times a day to cooking homemade meals three times a day. Plus we have a freezer and pantry full of foods. The only foods I have decided not to use up is the sweets. So I set the goal that I would prepare two clean eating recipes over the next two weeks. I included other recipes that I knew how to make, and tried to focus on incorporating easy to fix fruits and vegetables. 

2) divide and conquer- Josh and I each decided on meals we would be willing to cook. This way we don't have to be in the kitchen every day.

3) plan a route- I made a very clear grocery list and made sure to check to make sure we had items instead of just assuming we already had them. I grouped items together by location in the store. This will make grocery shopping a lot easier.

 4) planned the best store to go to-Once I made the grocery list, I went to krazycouponlady.com and checked out the coupons and deals. I know they say you save more money if you plan your purchases around the sales, but I just don't know enough about regular prices to do that. Plus I don't have a large bank of receipts I've tried. 

I marked beside the item on my grocery list if there was a coupon to print.

5) finally, I made a semi game plan for when to cook what. I planned the meals so that I saved time and limited the amount of time in the kitchen. I focused on cooking the meals with the fresh ingredients the first week, so the items won't go bad. I also planned out cooking larger quantities of certain foods such as taco meat to have again the next week.

I am hoping these steps will help. I will let you know how it works out. My sister-in-law shared with me an idea that I am going to try as well. I am going to get a  binder and some clear protective pockets. As I cook recipes we like, I am going to put them in the binder. After I have it filled up, I can use that binder as an easy meal planner. As one meal is fixed, I can move it to the end of the list. Would love to hear any tips or tricks you use to help with meal planning.

The pursuit of happiness

Just returned home from the most spectacular of fireworks displays. I am always in aww of all the lights and colors. The only way I know how to describe it is to say it was simply magical. The entire day was wonderful. Josh and I slept in, had a nice lunch out, drove around and looked at houses, went swimming, and had dinner with family. It was a very relaxing day.

I want to keep today's post short, but I wanted to share this. All I kept thinking about today was that is Independence Day. It is our day to celebrate freedom. I can't pretend to imagine what it would be like to be in the military and risk your life to defend a greater purpose. I would be scared out of my mind.  I am thankful that I was born in this country.

Today I also thought about the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" with Will Smith. At the start of the movie he talks about how we are not guaranteed happiness, but we are guaranteed the right to pursuit happiness. I made a promise to myself today that I would not let a day go by that I didn't pursuit my dream. I would work everyday to get healthier, to start a family, to have a house, to work from home with my husband, and have the life that we want. Because what I have found for myself is it is in the pursuit that happiness is found.